


Honesty

by azbear



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: F/F, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Mental Health Issues, Post-Squip, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, ugh there’s more but i’m tired sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 14:58:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17900297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azbear/pseuds/azbear
Summary: Written for the be more chill big bang 2019.Rich set a fire and burned down his best friend’s house. Thanks to Michael finding Mountain Dew Red, the squips are all gone, but Rich is still messed up. He hates himself and thinks everyone else does too, even his new friend Chloe Valentine.*YO WARNING: there’s quite a lot of talk of suicide and wanting to die, self harm, self hatred, a suicide attempt in chapter 5, talk of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, bipolar disorder. There’s a lot in almost every chapter so if any of that is triggering to you, please don’t read this <3





	1. Chapter 1

_ 11/26/15 _ __   
_ Life fucking sucks my dude. I hate my life. But, it's my own fault, I suppose. I'm the one who took the Squip. I'm the one who got Jeremy to get one. I'm the one who burned down Jake's house.... I just wanted to be free of the Squip. It was making me miserable. It kept telling me how much people hate me, how horrible I am, how it's going to make me better, but I have to sell other squips to other kids or be an asshole to them if they don't buy one.... I listened to that thing for almost two years and I regret it. It made my self esteem worse than it was before I got the damn thing. It made everything worse than it was before.... _ __   
_ God, I feel so stupid writing in this thing. The psychiatrist said I should, though. She said she wouldn't look at anything I wrote, so how would she even know if I didn't write anything? I could just throw this notebook out and she'd never know.... _ __   
  
Rich sighed and slammed his notebook shut.  _ This is so stupid! I wanna go home. I'd rather be there than in the hospital. Though, I'd also rather be in a coffin....  _ __   
  
Rich's eyes widened as one of the nurses—Nurse Dog Breath—pushed a new bed into the room. He wasn't expecting a roommate. And he definitely wasn't expecting it to be who it was!    
  
"Jeremy...."   
  
"Oh, are you two friends?" Nurse Dog Breath asked. Rich had to hold his breath while she talked—he could still smell her even when she was 8 feet away.   
  
"Kinda.... We go to school together." Rich cringed at the sound of his own voice, at his lisp.    
  
"Well, maybe you two can become friends! When he wakes up, anyway."   
  
Nurse Dog Breath smiled, then walked out of the hospital room.    
  
"Jeremy...I don't know if you can hear me, but...you're a hero. You stopped the squips. You...you saved me. My squip was making me insane, but it's gone now. Thank you...."   
  
Michael ran into the room and straight to Jeremy's side. "Jeremy, oh my god.... It's okay. You're going to be okay. It's just...you're just asleep. You have a broken arm, but that'll heal. It's okay. You're okay."    
  
"Michael?" Rich said.    
  
Michael turned and looked at Rich. Rich shrunk in on himself at Michael's look—he's angry, but he's too nice to say anything rude. "What, Rich?"   
  
"Um...I...never mind." What was he even going to say?  _ Thank you _ for helping Jeremy stop the squips (because Michael  _ had _ to have had something to do with it)?  _ I'm sorry _ for ruining his relationship with his best friend?   
  
Michael sighed. He clearly didn't want to be bothered with Rich, but didn't want to tell him to shut the fuck up either. "What's wrong? Do you need something?"   
  
"No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you...."    
  
Michael shrugged and turned back to Jeremy. That was all Rich needed to know Michael never wanted to speak to him again. Jeremy probably doesn't either. He doubts anybody does.... But he wouldn't blame anyone. He doesn't want to talk to himself either.    
  
The room was full of tension—Jeremy asleep, Michael by his bed, Rich being unwanted and hated by everyone in the room.... The silence didn't help either. If anything, the silence made the tension worse. Rich was constantly on the verge of having a panic attack due to the tension.    
  
Rich jumped about 10 feet in the air when the door opened again half an hour after Michael had sat down. A man Rich had never seen stormed in and over to Jeremy's bedside.    
  
"Jeremy.... It's okay, son. I love you."   
  
Rich's breath stopped. He feels like he shouldn't be witnessing this, but at the same time...it made him think of his own father. Had he ever told Rich he loves him? Even once? Rich has been in the hospital for almost a month and his father hadn't come to see him yet.... Rich turned onto his side and pretended to be asleep, but in reality, he just lay there, crying silently into his pillow.    
  
God. He wishes he had never taken a squip. He wishes he was at home. He wishes his mom was there. He wishes his brother was there. He wishes he was loved. He wishes he was dead. He wishes he was dead. He wishes he was dead. He wishes—   
  
"Hello. I'm Martha—Rich's psychiatrist."   
  
"I'm Paul Heere—Jeremy's father. Nice to meet you."   
  
"And you."   
  
"Can I ask—do you work primarily with the hospital?"   
  
"Usually, yes, but if you would like to make an appointment for you or your son to speak with me, I can give you my card."   
  
"Thank you, yes. We've both been through a lot, so we should probably speak to someone...."   
  
"Of course. I'm here in the hospital Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday from 10 AM to 6 PM, but sometimes I stay a bit later; Sunday I'm here from 10 AM to 2 PM; Sunday night and Wednesday from 12 PM to 6 PM I'm over at Pinnacle Behavioral Health Institute in Marlton."   
  
"Marlton's a bit far, isn't it? From Middlesex?"   
  
"Depending on how often you would be coming, yes. I could find someone closer to you and email them to you."   
  
"Could you do that, please? Thank you."   
  
"Of course. Write down your email for me and I'll do that tonight. For now, if you two could step outside for a while or put headphones on, I'd like to talk to Rich and I'd like for him to have privacy."   
  
"Of course. Thank you again. Come on, Michael."   
  
"But—" Michael stammered.    
  
"We can come back in after. Come on; Jeremy won't get mad at you for leaving his side for an hour."   
  
Rich heard Michael sigh, then the door closed, so he assumed he and Mr. Heere had left. He tensed his body in preparation for Martha to shake him 'awake.'    
  
"Rich? Could you wake up for me?"   
  
Rich bit down on his lip as he turned toward his psychiatrist, face red and eyes puffy from all the crying he'd done the past two hours.    
  
"Hey.... Do you want some water?"   
  
Rich nodded and sat up. Martha handed him a plastic cup full of water and wet a washcloth while he drank. After he put his cup down she gently wiped his face with the cloth.    
  
"You weren't asleep, were you?"   
  
"No.... I don't sleep unless the doctors give me sleeping pills. I can't...."   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"It's just hard to fall asleep...." That's not a complete lie, but it's not the real reason he can't sleep—he's scared. A million what if's always run through his brain when he tries to sleep. They used to be  _ what if nobody likes me? What if I die alone? What if I never get to see how The Walking Dead ends? _ Now, his thoughts are more like:  _ what if the squip comes back? What if they aren't really gone, and are just waiting for the right moment to make a comeback and ruin everybody's lives? What if Jake hates me? _ __   
  
"But you fall asleep okay with the pills?"   
  
"Yes. And I don't dream with them either."   
  
Last time Rich fell asleep without his pills, he had a horrific nightmare.  _ Jake...squips...Jake...Jake.... _ __   
  
"So you're not having those nightmares anymore?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Good. Would you like to talk about why you were crying when I came in here? Surely I can't be so bad that just the thought of my visits makes you cry!"   
  
Rich appreciated Martha's attempt to lighten the mood with a joke, but it didn't work. "I...I heard Jeremy's dad and was thinking about my own.... He never told me he loved me, he hasn't come to see me in here.... I know he's been, because the doctors told me, but he never came in to see me.... I was thinking about home. My mom and my brother....”  _ I was thinking about me being dead. How much better it would be for everyone. I wish I was dead.... _ __   
  
"Have you been writing in your notebook?"   
  
Rich snapped out of his thoughts about his own demise to nod his head.    
  
"Has it been helping?"   
  
Shrugging, Rich said, "not really.... I just feel kinda stupid writing in it. It's like...I'm talking to another person, but I'm not actually. I know I'm getting all my thoughts and feelings out, but it still feels stupid. No one's ever gonna read it, my notebook won't start replying to me like Tom Riddle's diary.... It keeps me busy for a few minutes, though, I guess...."   
  
"You don't have to write in it if you don't like it. I thought it might help, but keeping a diary isn't for everyone. Therapy isn't for everyone either. Do you think talking to me has been helping?"   
  
"I don't really know." Rich looked down at his lap and played with the blanket covering his legs. "I don't know if I  __ can be helped...."   
  
"You can. Believe me, Richard, you can be helped. There are so many different things you can try. I'll compile a list of things you might want to try and give it to you at our next appointment, okay?"   
  
"Sure. Thanks. Can...you ask the nurse for my sleeping pills now? I'm kinda tired...."   
  
"Sure thing, kiddo." Martha smiled at Rich before standing and leaving the room. Rich rolled back onto his side, deciding to wallow in his misery while he waited for the pills he wouldn't even take—he hides them. He's waiting to have enough to be able to kill himself. He's going to succeed the next time he tries. He knows he will.


	2. Chapter 2

Rich stood against the wall, breathing heavy. The doctor said he should try to stand up for at least a few seconds every once in a while to start regaining strength in his legs—laying in bed for almost a month has made his legs lose a lot of their strength and standing up—or god forbid walking—makes him completely and utterly  _ exhausted _ .    
  
"Michael...?"   
  
Rich crashed to the floor at the sound of Jeremy's voice. Wincing, he pulled himself back up, laying horizontally across his hospital bed. "Jeremy, it's Rich. You're in the hospital."   
  
"Wha...?"   
  
"I'm gonna call the doctor." Rich swung his arm to the side and managed to hit the button that brought a nurse running into the room. Not noticing Jeremy, the nurse went to Rich to help him sit up.    
  
"Did you fall? Are you okay?" She fussed.    
  
Rich pushed her hands away. He absolutely detests being fussed over—the only person allowed to do that is his mother. "I'm fine. Leave me alone. Jeremy woke up."   
  
The nurse turned her attention towards Jeremy and stuck her head in the hall, calling for a doctor before going to his side and beginning to check his vitals.   
  
"Water?" Jeremy croaked.    
  
The doctor walked in while the nurse poured Jeremy's water and closed the curtain between him and Rich. Rich strained to hear anything they said, but the damn doctor spoke too low.   
  
Rich made an attempt to get comfortable in his hospital bed and not think about Jeremy, but he couldn't. If he didn't think about Jeremy, he was thinking about Jake, which was even worse.    
  
Nurses and doctors came and went from their room for about an hour. Only one nurse was there to give Rich his medicine, which only took a moment.   
  
Finally, the curtain parted and Rich and Jeremy were alone. For about 10 seconds anyway. Michael and Mr. Heere were quick to enter the room and envelop Jeremy in a hug.    
  
Rich tried to make himself invisible: what if Mr. Heere finds out Rich is the reason his son is in the hospital—Rich is the one who told him about the squip after all. Mr. Heere looks pretty strong.... And didn't Jeremy mention once that he drinks? What if—   
  
"Hey? Are you okay, kid?"   
  
Rich jumped about 3 feet in the air and looked over towards Jeremy and his father and Michael. Each wore a look of concern of their faces (though Jeremy looked more annoyed than concerned to Rich).   
  
"Kid?" Mr. Heere stepped over to Rich and placed a gentle hand on his arm. Rich's breath hitched and he tried to mask the fear on his face, but he clearly wasn't doing such a good job.    
  
"Dad, I think he's scared of you. Maybe you should go—"   
  
Rich quickly interrupted, seeing the hurt look on Mr. Heere's face. "N-no! I'm not scared! I was just...having a flashback to the-the fire." His psychiatrist had told him flashbacks were a possibility, but he's never had one. These people don't know that, though, and he'd rather Mr. Heere think he was having a flashback than think he's afraid of him. "I'm okay. Sorry if I bothered you...."   
  
Mr. Heere smiled, though it still looked pained. "Don't worry about it, kid. I just want to make sure you're okay."   
  
Why? Why would anyone care if he's okay? "I'm fine," Rich assured. "Thank you for checking."   
  
"No problem! Let me know if you need anything."   
  
"Okay...."   
  
Mr. Heere returned to his son's side and Rich was forgotten. He was sure Mr. Heere would never even look at him again, but after a few hours Rich heard, "Okay, I'm going out to get something to eat. Anyone want anything? Jeremy? Michael? Rich, you want something?"   
  
Rich jumped in surprise and spilled the water he was pouring all over himself and his bed.    
  
Mr. Heere patted his back and gave him paper towels.    
  
"I-I'm fine. Sorry, I was just lost in my thoughts and wasn't expecting you to ask me anything.... I'm fine, thanks, though."   
  
"You sure? I'm going to McDonald's."   
  
Rich hasn't had McDonald's in years.... His squip wouldn't let him.  _ You're just starting to get in shape! Do you want to get fat again, Richard?! _ __   
  
"I'm sure."   
  
"Well...okay. If you change your mind, just tell Jeremy to text me. I'll be back in half an hour, boys."   
  
"Bye Dad."   
  
"Bye, Mr. Heere."   
  
Rich stayed quiet, looking at his lap.   
  
A nurse came in to give Jeremy and Rich their medication and to change Rich's damp sheets and hospital gown. He nearly died when he was on his side with his backside exposed. Two kids who he used to bully seeing his ass: great times!   
  
"Aren't you allowed to put your own pajamas on?" Jeremy asked. He's already wearing a pair of soft-looking Spongebob pajama pants and a Pac-Man shirt. Rich still wore itchy hospital gowns.   
  
Rich shrugged. Jeremy probably doesn't really care, but damned if he doesn't want to talk to someone his own age. Talking to Michael the other day barely counted; they hadn't had an actual conversation about anything. "If I had anything here, maybe."   
  
"Won't your parents bring you something?"   
  
Rich shrugged. "My dad hasn't seen me since I've been in here." Technically, he hasn't seen him for about two and a half months, but who cares? Jeremy noticed Rich didn't say anything about his mother and decided not to bring her up and risk upsetting him.   
  
Jeremy chewed on his lip for a minute. "Want me to ask my dad to bring you something you can wear?"   
  
"No thanks."   
  
Jeremy sighed, as if annoyed that Rich hadn't accepted his offer to make his dad buy him a pair of pajamas to wear here...or probably bring an old pair of Jeremy's. That's probably what he was thinking of. But...Jeremy offered. He's being nice to Rich. Maybe...he forgives him? No, surely not.... But maybe if Rich apologized.... It's worth a shot. Before he could apologize, Michael spoke.   
  
"Hey, Jeremy, maybe when you get to go home, we can build a fort and play video games! Like old times?"   
  
"Hell yeah, man! But it might be a bit hard with a broken arm...."   
  
"We can just sit on the couch and watch movies, then. Or you can watch me beat a bunch of 12 year olds in California on COD."   
  
"Sure, Michael. Sounds good."   
  
Rich will try apologizing another day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chloe is the only person who had come to visit Rich in the hospital. He was surprised when one of the nurses told him he had a visitor just a week after he arrived. He knew it wasn't his brother—he's in Spain for another four months. He thought it could have been his dad, because who else would bother to visit him? Apparently Chloe Valentine—a girl Rich talked to maybe once—cares about him more than his own father does. Isn't that wonderful?   
  
Since then, Chloe has been going to visit him at least once a week and they text everyday. Chloe is the only person Rich can talk to right now. Jake hates him. Jeremy hates him. Michael hates him. His dad hasn't spoken to him in three months. His brother is in a different country and can't afford to text or call Rich. Jake hates him....   
  
Rich has no idea why Chloe talks to him, but he'll enjoy it while it lasts. He tells her everything—well, almost everything. He can't very well talk to a girl he barely knows about how he wants to die, now can he? He hasn't even told his psychiatrist that he wants to die because he knows he'd immediately be moved to some mental health facility. He's not crazy, he just hates life and doesn't want to bother people with his presence on earth anymore. That doesn't qualify someone as crazy...does it?   
  
**Chloe <3: u should apologize to jeremy&michael. tell them u want to try bein friends** ****  
**Rich: it's not that easy, Chlo...** ****  
**Chloe <3: y not?** ****  
**Rich: ...** ****  
**Chloe <3: if u don't have any valid reasons then go for it. the worst that can happen is they say no** ****  
**Chloe <3: and ull always have me! :))** ****  
**Rich: you gotta double chin there, Chlo** ****  
**Chloe <3: shut up. go talk to j j and m** ****  
**Rich: j j and m?** ****  
**Chloe <3: as in jeremy heere, jake dillinger, and michael mell** ****  
**Rich: NO** ****  
**Rich: I SAID NOTHING ABOUT TALKING TO JAKE** ****  
**Rich: I CANT CHLOE** ****  
**Rich: HE HATES ME** ****  
**Chloe <3: gooo! maybe he'll surprise you! i'll be by in a bit to hang out!** ****  
**Rich: only if you talk to brooke** ****  
**Chloe <3: ...fine** ****  
**Chloe <3: see u soon rich** ****  
**Rich: see ya Chlo <3** ****  
**Chloe <3: <333** ****  
  
Rich sighed as he locked his phone and looked over at Jeremy and Michael. They're sat next to each other on Jeremy's bed, watching crappy hospital TV.    
  
"Hey, Jeremy? You're leaving today, aren't you?" Rich asked.    
  
Jeremy looked over at Rich, surprised that he was talking to him.    
  
"Uh, yeah."   
  
"Well...I just wanted to...to... ugh.... Jeremy...Michael.... I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. I ruined Jeremy's life with the squip and I know it put a strain on your friendship. Even before you got your squip, I was always an asshole. I know saying 'the squip made me' isn't a good excuse, so I won't make it. I shouldn't have been such a jerk these last years. I shouldn't have ever taken the squip in the first place.... It ruined everything for a lot of people and I'm so sorry...."   
  
Michael huffed, but didn't say anything.   
  
Rich held his blanket tightly in his hands. "I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you both. Maybe...maybe when I get out we can hang out or something...?"   
  
"I don't think so, Rich," Jeremy firmly stated while looking at his lap.    
  
"Oh...I...I'm sorry, I just thought.... Y'know you were being nice to me here, so...and I genuinely do feel bad, but—"   
  
"Yeah, I was being nice because I'm a good person and I can see that you're miserable here. I know what it's like to be miserable all the time—you helped me with that! But still, I wouldn't want anyone to feel how I did because of you ever—not even you, so yeah I was being nice, but I don't think we can ever be friends. You bullied me for two years, Rich!" Jeremy's face turned red halfway through, his voice raising towards the end, and by this point, Rich thought he saw steam coming out of his ears. "You made me miserable everyday! Even if the squip told you to, it was  _ your choice _ to listen to it and it was  _ you _ doing all the shoving and name-calling. So, I don't want to hang out with you or be your friend, Rich. I don't know if I accept your apology, but I'll get back to you on it."   
  
Rich could hear Jeremy's heart thumping from his bed...or was that his own heart? He couldn't tell. "I'm sorry," he quickly slid down to his feet and ran from the room as fast as possible, hiding his red face and damp cheeks. He hid in the bathroom, cursing himself for not bringing his phone with him.    
  
There was a knock on the door after about a half hour. "Sir? Are you okay in there? Hello?"   
  
Rich sighed. He's gained his breath back now, but he's still crying.  _ Stupid! Stop crying, you fucking idiot! You have no reason to cry!  _ __   
  
Biting his lip, Rich stood and splashed water on his face. He opened the door, leaning heavily against the door frame.    
  
"Are you okay, Rich?" Nurse Dog Breath asked.    
  
"Yeah.... I'm fine."   
  
Nurse Dog Breath took Rich's hand and led him back to his room. Jeremy sat on his bed, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, his blue cast on display. The only signatures were  _ Dad :) _ and  _ Michael _ with a poorly drawn pair of headphones around the name. Jeremy's dad was at the desk, signing all the necessary papers to allow him to finally go home.    
  
"Um, your phone has been buzzing like crazy for like 10 minutes," Jeremy stated, rubbing the back of his neck.    
  
Rich moved to his phone as fast as he could and unlocked it to see a bunch of texts from Chloe.    
  
**Chloe <3: OH NO** ****  
**Chloe <3: MISTAKES HAVE BEEN MADE** ****  
**Chloe <3: I WENT TO SEE BROOKE AND APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A SHIT FRUEND** ****  
**Chloe <3: FRIEND*** ****  
**Chloe <3: AND I WAS GONNA GIVE HER CHOCOLATE** ****  
**Chloe <3: I DIDNT REALIZE IT HAD FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER IN IT** ****  
**Chloe <3: THANK GOD SHE DIDNT EAT IT** ****  
**Chloe <3: THAT COULD HAVE BEEN VERY VERY BAD** ****  
**Chloe <3: SHE PROBABLY THINKS I WAS TRYING TO KILL HER. AND I DIDNT EVEN GET TO SAY SORRY BEFORE SHE THREW IT BACK AT ME AND STORMED OFF** ****  
**Chloe <3: FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK A FUCK** ****  
**Chloe <3: jeremy just texted me** ****  
**Chloe <3: BUT STILL FUCK IM THE WORST FRIEND EVER I NEED TO BE SHOT IN THE HEAD** ****  
**Chloe <3: WITH THIS FUCKING CHOCOLATE IN THE PLACE OF A BULLET** ****  
**Chloe <3: but anyway, i'll be there in about 35 minutes ** ****  
**Rich: Jeez, Chlo...** ****  
**Chloe <3: OH NOW YOU REPLY** ****  
**Chloe <3: i'm coming up in 10 minutes, want anything?** ****  
**Rich: A strawberry banana smoothie would be great :) thanks Chlo** ****  
**Chloe <3: np <33** ****  
**Rich: <3** ****  
  
"Uh, is everything alright?" Jeremy asked.    
  
Rich looked up. He's surprised Jeremy is still talking to him.... "Yeah. Everything is fine. Did—"   
  
"Ready to go, son?" Mr. Heere asked, smiling widely.    
  
"Just a second, Dad. Did I what, Rich?"   
  
"Never mind. I'm sorry, again...."   
  
"Okay.... Well, bye. Get better soon."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
Mr. Heere and Michael both wished Rich well then they were gone.    
  
A minute after they left, Chloe came in like a tornado. She scooped Rich up in a tight hug that left him squirming. He's not the biggest fan of being touched, but Chloe loves hugs, so he could never bring himself to say anything.    
  
"Here's your smoothie! I also got you a turkey, provolone, and tomato sub from subway. And! I have these for you!" Chloe dropped a bag of clothes on Rich's lap.    
  
"Um...thanks, Chlo. Everything okay with Brooke?"   
  
Chloe groaned and sunk down in the chair next to Rich's bed. She pulled a bar of chocolate out of her pocket and threw it at the TV that played an episode of Spongebob.   
  
"I suck."   
  
"Me too.... Hey, what did Jeremy want from you?"   
  
"Oh, he said I should try to get you some pajamas and stuff to wear. He didn't very much appreciate seeing your ass on display every time you turned over."   
  
Rich blushed. "Not my fault.... The underwear the hospital gave me was scratchy and uncomfortable."   
  
"I know. Why didn't you tell me yourself you needed something to wear? You didn't even tell me you were allowed to wear anything besides the gown."   
  
"I didn't wanna bother you or make you waste your money...."   
  
"You don't bother me, Rich. You're my friend! And it's not wasting money if it's something you need. I was just saving that money for merch at the concert I'm going to in a few months, but I can probably get some money from my parents for that."   
  
Rich hid under his blanket.    
  
"Do you wanna get dressed? I'll turn around."   
  
Chloe turned before Rich could say anything. He sighed inwardly and grabbed a random pair of pajamas from the bag Chloe dropped on the bed.  _ Pokémon....  _ __   
  
"You can turn around again...."   
  
Chloe turned and smiled at Rich, sitting next to him on the bed. The two of them sat and ate their lunch and watched Spongebob.    
  
Finally, Chloe spoke again: "So, how'd it go with Jeremy and Michael? Did you talk to Jake yet?"   
  
Rich sighed. "Jeremy and Michael don't wanna be friends because I've been an ass because of the squip. They know it was the squip telling me to do that stuff, but it was still me doing it.... And I haven't talked to Jake yet."   
  
"Well, they suck. That thing corrupted you; you didn't know any better! You're great, Rich, and anyone who says differently can meet my fist."   
  
Rich gave a small smile in response, though he didn't believe a thing Chloe said.    
  
"Go talk to Jake! C'mon! We made a deal! I tried to talk to Brooke. I failed, but I tried."   
  
Rich groaned dramatically. "Please, Chloe.... He hates me...."   
  
"Did he explicitly tell you that?"   
  
"No, but I know he does! I burned down his fucking house! I broke his legs! He hates me!"   
  
"Just try. Maybe he'll surprise you."   
  
Rich sighed. He's not going to win with Chloe. "Fine. Help me up."   
  
Rich was in front of Jake's hospital room before he knew it. He dreaded going in. Jake hates him. He knows he does. He's awful. Jake has every right to hate him.   
  
Rich stepped past the threshold. "Hey, Jake," he whispered.   
  
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Jake demanded.    
  
"I-I...I wanted to apologize. For...you know...."   
  
"For the fire and my legs?" Jake raised an eyebrow.    
  
"Yeah.... I'm so sorry. The squip—"   
  
"Don't give me that bullshit excuse, Rich. I don't wanna hear it. Get out."   
  
"But—"   
  
"GET THE FUCK OUT! You burned down my house, you broke my legs, because of a fucking computer?! People with fucking schizophrenia and shit can't get away with that, so why should you?"   
  
"Jake, I'm sorry," Rich whispered, tears coming to his eyes.    
  
"I regret saving you."   
  
Rich ran as fast as his legs would carry him.


	4. Chapter 4

_ I regret saving you. _ __   
  
Rich wishes Jake hadn't saved him.   
  
_ I regret saving you. _ __   
  
He'd be better off if he had died.   
  
_ I regret saving you. _ __   
  
Why didn't Jake just let him die?   
  
_ I regret saving you. _ __   
  
  
_ 12/2/15 _ __   
__   
_ I wish I was fucking dead. Everybody hates me. Everybody. I tried to ask Jeremy and Michael to be friends, but they don't want to because I'm a fucking asshole. Jake.... I tried to talk to him. He was so mad.... He hates me. Chloe pretends to like me because she feels bad for me, but I know she secretly hates me. Everyone does. I don't think anyone hates me as much as I do, though.... _ __   
_ I'm going home in three days. It'll be easier to kill myself when I get home. In hindsight, a fire probably wasn't the best way to kill myself. I regret the fire. There's plenty of easier ways to die. I could've stole a car or a gun, found some rope, gone to a tall building.... Now, I have pills. A lot of sleeping pills. I haven't slept in almost a full week, but soon I'll be asleep indefinitely, so whatever. I have a pretty good stash under my pillow and the hospital is sending me home with more sleeping pills. There's no way I can fail this time. _ __   
  
"Rich!" Chloe hugged her friend tightly. "Are you excited to go home?"   
  
Rich nodded. He'll be able to do it properly when he gets home. "Yeah. A few more days here."   
  
"Maybe we can hang out when you go home. We can watch movies and eat popcorn and cookies and pizza—"   
  
Rich stopped listening.  _ Soon. I'll stop being an inconvenience to everyone. Well, Dad might be a bit inconvenienced with my body, but it won't take too long to get rid of me. Soon I'll be with Mom.... _ __   
  
Chloe turned the TV on and sat next to Rich in bed, hugging him. Rich squirmed a bit, uncomfortable with the hugging, but stopped before Chloe could feign concern. He doesn't want to be more of an inconvenience in his last days....   
  
"I can't wait to watch something other than jeopardy and Spongebob with you," Chloe commented.    
  
Rich agreed with a nod of his head, though he knows that will never happen. The last thing they'll ever watch together is jeopardy....    
  
"Who is Shakespeare!"   
  
__ Soon....


	5. Chapter 5

Home. He's finally home. After so long being in the hospital, he's home. He just has to wait for his dad to leave, then he can do it.    
  
His dad doesn't care about him. He never visited him in the hospital. He didn't say anything when he picked him up to take him home. He barely even looked at him! Rich plopped down on the couch and pulled his phone out of his pocket.    
  
"Where'd you get that shirt?" His dad questioned.    
  
"Uh...my friend gave me some clothes in the hospital...."   
  
"You have a friend?"   
  
Rich's heart sank into his stomach. He doesn't. Not really. He knows Chloe secretly hates him. Jake definitely hates him.   
  
"Well, I'm gonna go shower, then I have to go to work. You'll be okay home alone?"   
  
"Yes!" Rich answered a little too fast. His dad gave him an odd look.   
  
"Yeah.... Okay. There's, uh, some pasta in the cabinets. Might have chicken in the freezer. If you get hungry make yourself something to eat."   
  
"Okay, Dad."   
  
Rich made his way up to his bedroom and turned his phone off, throwing it on his desk as he started mentally preparing himself for what was about to happen. He's going to see his mom again. And everyone who he's made miserable with his presence will finally be happy.    
  
Rich heard his dad slam the front door shut from up in his room.    
  
_ It's time. _ __   
  
———   
  
**Chloe <3: hey. i’m on my way over, bringing harry potter. we can have a maraton :)** ****  
**Chloe <3: marathon*** ****  
**Chloe <3: i’m here. you gonna let me in?** ****  
**Chloe <3: if you don’t want to hang out that’s fine, just like say something?** ****  
**Chloe <3: you’re worrying me now, Rich** ****  
**Chloe <3: i found the spare key in the flamingo’s head. if you don’t respond in 5 minutes i’m using it and coming to check on you** ****  
**Chloe <3: OH MY FUCKING GOD NO** ****  
  
  
———   
  
_ No. No. NO! _ __   
  
Rich woke up with a tube down his throat and an IV in his arm and a heart monitor connected to his finger. Just like after the fire only with a lot less bandages this time around....   
  
“Rich! Oh my god, you fucking idiot!” Chloe cried when she saw her friend was finally awake.    
  
Rich tried to move his hands toward the tube in his throat but Chloe swatted them away.

 

“Don’t touch it; it’s breathing for you because you can’t do it yourself yet.” Chloe’s voice shook as she spoke.

 

Rich blinked, a tear escaping from his eye.

 

“Why did you do it, Rich? I don’t...don’t understand. I thought we were friends. I care about you and I love you. I’ve done so much for you these past few weeks and you just—“ Chloe cut herself off with a sob. “I don’t understand, Rich….”

 

Rich signed “sorry” repeatedly in sign language, but Chloe didn’t understand. 

 

“Y-you just got out and you’re already back…. Did you do it because of me? Was I too much?”

 

Rich was appalled by Chloe’s question. Of course not! Chloe has been the only person to really care about him in months, maybe years! Or at least...the only person to bother  _ pretending  _ to care. Now that he thinks about it, did Jake ever really like him? They were friends and hung out, but...neither of them shared anything about their lives. Rich would jokingly tell Jake he loved him, as a friend, and Jake would just laugh and shove him then call him gay. When Rich told Chloe that he loved her, as a friend, she would coo and wrap her arms around him. Maybe it’s just the difference in how boys and girls act. Maybe it’s just how Jake is, because Rich has seen other boys at school, boys he knows are platonic best friends—what he thought he and Jake were—tell each other they loved one another and nobody got shoved or laughed at. If anything the other person would say, “love you too, dickhead.”

 

“If-if you don’t wanna be friends with me you should’ve said. I would have left you alone….”

 

Rich’s heart broke at Chloe’s words. He saw a pad of paper and a pen on the table next to him and reached for it. Chloe helped him out, pushing it into his hand. 

 

_ im so sorry chlo. yur my best friend and i love u. i didnt do this bc of you ive been planning this for a while….i didnt think id fail again. im sorry i hurt you _

 

“...Again?”

 

_ promise not to tell any1 n throw this paper away after _

 

Chloe bit her lip. “I can’t promise. I care about you and if you’re suicidal...you need help, Rich.”

 

_ im not! i swear it was just the squip _

_ please chloe _

 

“But you didn’t have it when you tried again. You haven’t had it in over a month and you just swallowed a bunch of pills 4 days ago.”

 

_ i know but it still hurts.. im so sorry chloe. please forgive me? _

 

Rich’s eyes were damp as he looked up at his friend. 

 

Chloe squeezed Rich’s arm gently. “Of course I forgive you—we’re friends—but I have to tell your dad. You need to talk to someone about this!”

 

Rich started protesting, shaking his head and begging Chloe in sign language not to tell anyone. 

 

_ not my dad. he’ll be mad. he’s already probly mad _

 

“Then who else should I tell? Rich….” Chloe hugged her friend tight. “I couldn’t lose you. I already lost Brooke; I can’t lose another friend…. You need help.”

 

Rich squirmed away from the hug and grabbed the paper and pen again.  _ i dont want to be sent away _

 

“Sent away? Like to a hospital?”

 

_ that or anywhere else… my dad would probly kick me out. can i just say it was an accident? _

 

Chloe sighed. “It wasn’t though…. We need to tell somebody, Rich.”

 

Nurse Dog Breath walked into the room then and Rich hurriedly crumpled the paper he was writing on and handed it to Chloe who shoved it in her pocket. 

 

“It’s good to see you’re awake, Rich!” She smiled. “Let’s get that tube out, hm? Alright, cough.”

 

Rich coughed and the tube was pulled out of his throat. He took quick, labored breaths, but he was breathing on his own. His throat felt scratchy, like he tried to swallow a cactus; he reached for the water pitcher next to his bed. Chloe poured some into a cup and helped him drink until his throat felt a little better. 

 

“The doctor will be right in,” Nurse Dog Breath promised after checking Rich’s vitals. 

 

“Her breath smells so bad,” Chloe whined once she left.

 

Rich nodded in agreement. “Horrible.” God, his voice sounds horrible!

 

Chloe took her friend’s hand and squeezed. “Can I tell the doctor? I’ll make sure nobody sends you away. I’ll hide you in my bedroom if I need to!”

 

Rich sighed. Nobody cares about him. Aside from Chloe, but how is it her business if he gets sent somewhere because he’s suicidal? The doctor probably wouldn’t even care or say anything. If his dad finds out he’ll just send him to live with his aunt or his grandma, but would living with them be so horrible? He’d miss Chloe, but they could still talk. Jake and Jeremy and Michael would be happy not to have to deal with him anymore….

 

“I don’t care. Tell whoever you want.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Rich doesn’t understand Chloe sometimes. She wanted to tell the doctor so bad, and now that he’s given her permission she doesn’t want to?

 

He nodded. 

 

“Okay. I just want to get you help, Rich. You know that, right? I won’t let anyone send you away.”

 

Rich hummed quietly and pressed his face to Chloe’s shoulder. 

 

Chloe pet Rich’s hair, lulling him to sleep before the doctor could even enter. 

 

The doctor probably already knows why Rich is here. He hasn’t said anything to Chloe, but he has to know. The doctor had to pump his stomach, he has to know Rich had swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills. 

 

Now Chloe is going to tell and make sure her friend gets the help he needs. 

 

“Um, Doctor Vizzini?” Chloe asked. “You know what happened to Rich that he’s here, don’t you…? He...tried to kill himself….”

 

“I know,” the doctor said softly. “We’ve tried to his father multiple times, but he hasn’t responded yet. We’ve been waiting for Rich to stabilize and wake up before having a psychiatrist come to see him. The psychiatrist he had been seeing before will be coming in a few hours, so she’ll talk to him then. Would you like me to arrange a meeting for you as well? I know it must be tough seeing your friend like this and knowing what he did….”

 

Chloe shook her head. She doesn’t need a psychiatrist. “No, thanks. I just want to make sure Rich is okay. He’s afraid of being sent away….”

 

“Well, it’s not me who makes the final decision. The psychiatrist will have to talk to him first, then we’ll make a joint decision. If we can’t get hold of his father there will be some issues, but...I’ll try to keep him from being sent anywhere.”

 

“Thank you….”

 

“If there’s anything you need, let me know.”

 

Chloe nodded and the doctor walked away. Chloe grabbed Rich’s hand. She feels so much better holding his hand now that she knows he’s okay.

  
  


———-

  
  


Rich yawned as he woke up again. He turned his head to see Chloe with her head on his bed, asleep and snoring softly. 

 

Rich felt guilty. How long has it been since she slept?

 

A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts. 

 

In walked his psychiatrist. 

 

“Hi, Rich,” she smiled kindly. “It’s good to see you awake.”

 

Rich cleared his throat, nervously. “Did Chloe tell the doctor…?”

 

“Yes, and your doctor told me. Before we get into this, I’d like to give you some privacy.”

 

“No, you can’t wake her up! Please, don’t, she’s so tired!” Rich whisper shouted at the psychiatrist as he covered Chloe’s ear with his hand.

 

“Alright, alright. I’ll see if we can get you to a different room for a bit to talk while your friend stays and sleeps here.”

 

Rich sighed in relief. He saw his doctor and psychiatrist nodding, so he figured he’d be going to another room momentarily. Rich wrote a quick note for Chloe incase she woke up before he could get back. He doesn’t want to stress her out anymore than he already has. 

 

The doctor and psychiatrist helped Rich into a wheelchair and across the hall to another room identical to his. 

 

“Richard...why did you do this to yourself?”

 

_ I wanted to die, stupid. Wasn’t that obvious?  _

 

Rich shrugged. “I’m not happy. I’m in pain...not physical, but mental. Everyone hates me, and I just didn’t want to bother people anymore. But now I know even if nobody else does, at least Chloe cares about me.” She has to, right? Why would she be here if she didn’t? Why would she stay next to him all this time and even cry over him! “So I’ll stay alive for her. I don’t want to put her through that kinda hell….”

 

Rich was bored out of his mind for the next two hours. He could easily predict everything Martha would say and knew just how to answer to make it seem like he wasn’t lying while still keeping himself out of a mental hospital.

 

“Rich, do you have another way to contact your father? Or even any other family we could contact?”

 

“No. People at my dad’s work don’t answer the phone and my dad rarely ever answers his own phone. My older brother is in Spain for school, so he can’t just fly back to New Jersey for me. If you want to contact my father just go to my house. He’ll show up eventually.”

 

Martha frowned, planning to make some calls after the rest of her appointments today. “I suppose you’re ready to go back to your own room and see your friend?”

 

Rich nodded eagerly. 

 

“Okay. Let’s go.”

 

Chloe was just waking up by the time Rich was back in his bed. 

 

“Rich?” She yawned. “Where’d you go?”

 

“Just across the hall.” Rich placed his hand over Chloe’s. “I’m never gonna leave you, Chlo.”

 

Chloe smiled weakly and fell back to sleep, curling up against her friend. 


	6. Chapter 6

Jeremy sat in his bean bag chair watching Michael play  _ Outlast _ . Michael was hiding in a locker at the moment, screeching at ‘stupid ugly bitch face.’ Jeremy wasn’t worried about that, though. He was thinking of Rich. It was pretty much known to everyone that Rich was back in the hospital after trying to OD on sleeping pills. Jeremy can’t help but think he’s at least partially to blame for that.  _ After what he said…. _

 

“Okay, I think I need a break from this shit,” Michael said, clutching his chest. “Jeremy? You okay?”

 

“Yeah, just...thinking.”

 

“Uh, oh, that’s dangerous! ...About what?”

 

Jeremy sighed. “Rich. He tried to kill himself, and I just can’t stop thinking that—“

 

“It wasn’t your fault. Seriously, he’s been through a lot.”

 

“Yeah, but me yelling at him probably didn’t help….”

 

“Well, would you feel better if we went to see him?”

 

Jeremy shrugged. He doesn’t think he could face Rich again.

 

“Well...if you wanna know how he’s doing, ask Chloe. She practically lives at the hospital nowadays.”

 

“Yeah...maybe.”

  
  


————

  
  


Rich had been in the hospital for a week when the social worker came to see him. Chloe’s parents forced her to go back to school, but she still went to see Rich as soon as school ended. Chloe was just leaving for the night when Ms. Pavlov entered the room. 

 

“Hello, Richard,” she greeted, smiling. “How are you?”

 

“Fine…. Who are you?”

 

“I’m Ms. Pavlov; I’m a social worker.”

 

Rich’s heart stopped. Is this it? Is he gonna go into foster care now?

 

“I have some questions to ask you, Richard.”

 

Rich took a deep breath. If this is it, it might mean he never sees Chloe again. Even though she’s not here right now, he still has to be strong and brave for her. 

 

“Okay. Ask away.”

 

Ms. Pavlov asked about Rich’s dad. Has he been to the hospital to see him? (“Nope.”)  Why did he leave him as soon as he got home from the hospital? (“He had to work.”) He couldn’t take off for a few days to take care of his son? (“Guess not.”) Did he ever hit him? (“No! He never cared, anyway….”) How often did Rich even see his dad? (“Uh, I dunno. Twice a week at the most. When I got home from the hospital was the first time I saw him in like 2 months.”)

 

She asked about other family he has. Where’s his mom? (“Dead. 5 years ago she….”) Grandparents? (“Also dead.”) Aunts or uncles? (“Never met any.”) When would his older brother be home? (“He was supposed to be home in 4 months, but he’s staying another year now….”) Could Rich go stay with his brother in Spain? (“Hell no. I don’t wanna go to Spain! I miss my brother, but...I can’t leave New Jersey. I can’t leave Chloe. I’m the only friend she has right now and she’s the only one I have.”) 

 

Ms. Pavlov told Rich he wouldn’t be staying with his father anymore. Neglect is a form of child abuse, and his father has been neglecting him for years. Rich couldn’t care less about that. The only problem now is…

 

“Where am I gonna live, then?”

 

“The father of somebody in your school has offered to let you stay with him and his son until you turn 18.”

 

_ Well that’s ominous as fuck.  _ “Who is it?”

 

“Paul Heere; Jeremy Heere’s father.”

 

Rich’s throat felt like it was closing. He’s going to live with Jeremy?! But Jeremy hates him! Did his dad not tell him about this? Rich would have thought Jeremy would protest this happening if he’d known.

 

“Are you alright, Richard?”

 

Rich nodded quickly. “Yeah, yeah. Just...wasn’t expecting you to say  _ them _ . I, uh, I’ve known Jeremy for a while and wasn’t the greatest to him, so I didn’t think…but I guess I don’t have a choice other than foster care. Right? Yeah…. So when am I going to….”

 

“Well, I have to set up papers, get papers signed, et cetera, so probably not for at least a week.”

 

“Okay.” Rich chewed the string of his hoodie. “Do I have to do anything else now then, or can I go to sleep? I’m kinda tired….”

 

“We’re done for now, Richard. I’ll come back to check on you in a few days.”

  
  


————

  
  


“Jeremy, we need to talk, son.”

 

Jeremy felt his heart rate pick up slightly. “Okay…. What about?”

 

“You told me about your friend Rich—“

 

“We’re not friends.”

 

Mr. Heere frowned. “Well, you told me about Rich not having anywhere to go. So I was thinking he could stay here. We have room. I talked to his social worker, but if you’re opposed….”

 

Jeremy didn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want Rich to have to go to foster care, but he doesn’t exactly want Rich to live with him either. Where else does Rich have to go, though?

 

If this had happened a few months ago, he’d probably go live with Jake, but now...nobody can get a hold of Jake to even tell him that Rich was in the hospital again. Apparently Jake is excellent at hiding, because nobody could find him, even in school. How is somebody who uses a wheelchair so good at hiding anyway?

 

Chloe’s the one who had told him—well, told Michael, who in turn told Jeremy—about any of this in the first place. Chloe wanted Rich to stay with her, but her parents wouldn’t allow it. They said they didn’t want somebody carrying all that baggage living under their roof because they didn’t know how to help their daughter with her baggage, much less another kid’s.

 

“I would rather jump in front of a moving bus than have Rich live with me and my moms,” Michael had said.

 

Jeremy knows if he said he didn’t want Rich there, his dad would respect that, but…Rich doesn’t have anywhere else to go but foster care. 

 

“I guess it’s okay if he stays here,” Jeremy shrugged. 

 

“Are you positive? You can think about this for awhile if you need to.”

 

Jeremy nodded. “I’m positive. I’ve thought about it, and...yeah. I’m positive.”

 

“Okay. Well, I’ll call his social worker again and let her know. We’ll have to clean out the spare bedroom and get it ready for him.”

 

Jeremy stared at his cast in silence. God, so much has happened just in the first semester of junior year.

  
  


————-

  
  


Nearly two weeks later Rich was finally about to leave the hospital.  _ Again. _

 

Ms. Pavlov had told him a few days ago that everything was settled and Mr. Heere would be picking him up Friday morning.

 

Friday morning Rich practically had to throw Chloe out of his hospital room and make her go to school. She wanted to stay with Rich to make sure he was okay and nobody had lied or tried to trick Rich. Rich insisted everything was fine and he would text her when he got settled in. 

 

Rich waited alone for Mr. Heere to sign him out of the hospital and take him home. He had his bag of clothes Chloe had brought him next to him on the floor. While waiting, his mind drifted from thoughts of his new home with Jeremy and his father; Jeremy hating him; Michael hating him; Jake hating him…. God, Rich misses Jake so much. He saw him in the hall a few days ago. He’d come in in a wheelchair and left with crutches. That must be good, right? He hopes so anyway….

 

A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts. Mr. Heere peeked his head in the room. “Hey, kid. You ready to go?”

 

Rich shrugged. “Guess so…. Thanks for letting me stay with you and Jeremy.”

 

Mr. Heere smiled. “No problem. Jeremy’s the one who told me about all this mess anyway—not that you’re a mess! I just mean—“

 

Rich felt his cheeks twitch into a small smile. “It’s alright. I  _ am  _ a mess, but I get what you meant.”

 

“Well. I signed everything needed, so whenever you’re ready we can leave. Jeremy and I cleaned out your room the other day and made your bed for you. Room’s pretty bare at the moment other than the bed and dresser, but I figured you could decorate it how you want.

 

“Thank you, sir. I really appreciate it.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, kid.” Mr. Heere put his hand on Rich’s shoulder and led him out of the hospital for the last time.

  
  


—————

  
  


Rich lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Chloe had asked if he wanted to hang out today, but he said no. He just wants to relax and not have to socialize for...a few days. Mr. Heere told Rich he was going to make an appointment with his psychiatrist as soon as possible. Rich is thinking about what to tell her. He was never honest with her. How could he be, with the whole Squip thing? He’d have been locked up for sure! But he can tell her everything else. He should. He will. Everything about Jake, his dad, Jeremy, Chloe….

 

The front door opened and closed. Jeremy’s home. Rich held his breath. What’s Jeremy going to say when he sees him? Jeremy hates him and now Rich is in his house.

 

Jeremy walked straight past Rich’s open bedroom door, not even glancing in his direction. 

 

At least Rich didn’t have to socialize again….


	7. Chapter 7

Rich had been living with the Heeres for a week by now. He still had yet to talk to Jeremy about...anything. Not even a ‘hi’ was shared between them. Rich stayed in his bedroom 99% of the time. He would only come out for dinner (Mr. Heere forced him to) or to use the bathroom. 

 

Chloe hadn’t been over yet either. Rich didn’t think it was a great idea for her to be in Jeremy’s house after what they had gone through. That would be awkward as hell for the two of them, and for Rich because he’d be caught between it. It’s already awkward enough for Rich to be in Jeremy’s home.

 

**Chloe <3: i miss u :( **

**Rich: i miss u too. i just kinda wanna be alone for a bit…**

**Chloe <3: i understand. i still miss u though. if u want or need me at any time...i’m always here u know?**

**Rich: i kno. i should b back at school next week**

**Chloe <3: r u nervous?**

**Rich: a bit…**

**Rich: i’m rly far behind after not going to school in like 2 months**

**Chloe <3: are u uh. not gonna mention the elephant in the room?**

**Chloe <3: u know… **

**Chloe <3: the elephant named jake**

**Rich: nope**

**Chloe <3: u won’t be able to hide from him forever. don’t u two have chemistry together?**

**Rich: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

 

“Hey, Rich?” Mr. Heere knocked on the door frame. 

 

“Yeah?” Rich looked towards the man.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

Rich shrugged. “Alright I guess. Kinda nervous about going back to school, but I think I’m ready. I need to move on from all this, you know?”

 

“Yeah. How are things going with Jeremy?”

 

“I dunno. I haven’t talked to him at all since...since he was in the hospital.”

 

Mr. Heere frowned. So Jeremy didn’t even ask Rich about how he was doing while going through everything with the social worker and afraid of being put in foster care? Has Rich been alone in his room all this time without...anybody?

 

“I’ll tell him to get his head out of his ass and talk to you. If there’s anything you need, let me know.”

 

“Okay, sir.”

 

“Just call me Paul, alright?”

 

“Yeah...okay.”

  
  


—————

  
  


Chloe collapsed face first in her bed, exhausted after school. School used to be tolerable, but now. It’s the worst part of her day. She lay on her bed for a few minutes, just thinking about Brooke. She misses her every single day. She misses Rich too. She texts him everyday, but it’s not the same as being able to see him in person. She sees Brooke in school everyday, but Brooke always ignores her and it hurts her….

 

**Jeremy Heere: hey, uh. so i just got home and walked past rich’s room. he looks really down..at least more than usual. i don’t really know how to talk to him and it’s really awkward between me and him, so i was wondering if you know anything? or maybe you can come over and talk to him? i think he needs someone right now…**

 

Chloe felt herself fuming. Jeremy  _ could  _ talk to Rich. It’s not hard. Rich just wants to talk to anyone; he just wants friends. Jeremy’s the one who made it awkward for them. Rich tried to talk to Jeremy and make things better!

 

Rich didn’t even ask Chloe to go over. What if she went and Rich asked her to leave immediately? Rich had said he wanted to be alone for a while…. But if he needs someone….

 

**Chloe: fine. i’ll be there soon**

  
  


—————

  
  


Rich sat in the bathtub staring at the floor idly. 

 

“Hey, uh, Rich?” There was a knock on the bathroom door from Jeremy. “Uh, Chloe’s here. You...okay in there?”

 

Rich jumped, causing himself to almost slice a finger off. “Yeah, I’m fine! I’ll be out in a few minutes; I’m just...in the bath.”

 

Jeremy sighed and returned to the living room. He should probably stay with Chloe and make her comfortable here….

 

“So...would you like some water or something?” Jeremy asked. 

 

Chloe shook her head. “No thanks…. Jeremy, I’m sorry about the whole thing at the halloween party. I ruined a lot for you….”

 

Jeremy pursed his lips. “I know you are. And I want to forgive you, but...it’s hard. It really hurt at the party. Yeah, I had the squip and it was forcing me to be there, but I wanted to go. I couldn’t talk to say anything after that, but….”

 

“I’m so sorry. Really I am. I don’t know what I was thinking, and I know that’s not an excuse, but I am sorry.”

 

“I know. I know you feel bad. Rich does too, and I know that. It’s just...gonna take time.”

 

“I get that. I hope maybe one day we can all move past everything that happened while the squips were around and can be friends.”

 

“Yeah. I hope so too.”

 

Chloe gave Jeremy a weak smile. “I should probably go check on Rich now.”

 

“Yeah, alright. Let me know if there’s I can get you two.”

 

Chloe walked to Rich’s room where he was just tugging his shirt down.

 

“Hey, Rich,” Chloe greeted, hugging her friend tight. “I know you said you wanted to be alone for a while, but Jeremy was worried that you seemed more down than usual and asked me to come over, so I hope it’s okay that I’m here,” she rambled.

 

Jeremy was worried about him? “Chlo, it’s okay,” Rich hugged back, hiding his wince at the pain. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

Rich sighed inwardly. He’s so sick of that question now. “Better now that you’re here.” Better now that he released that tension in the bathtub. ”I don’t really wanna talk about it, though. Mr. Heere’s gonna take me to see my psychiatrist soon, so I’ll talk to her about it….”

 

Chloe nodded, lightly scratching Rich’s back. “Okay. We can just watch TV, then or something.”

 

Rich and Chloe cuddled together against the headboard. 

 

“Sounds good.”


	8. Chapter 8

Rich was finally about to go back to school. He had seen his psychiatrist a few days before and she agreed that it was time. 

 

Rich’s nerves were all over the place, but he knew it was time to go back. He’s ready to go back.

  
  


————

  
  


As it turns out, Rich  _ wasn’t _ ready to go back. 

 

Rich got to chemistry class and was immediately paired to with Jake for partner work. Rich’s heart just about died then. Didn’t Jake tell their teacher not to pair them up together? 

 

“Oh!” Exclaimed the teacher. “It looks like we ran out of a few materials we’ll need. Who wants to go down to the supply room to get them?”

 

Jake raised his hand, already starting to stand with his crutches. “I’ll go. What do we need?”

 

Rich’s throat felt tight just looking at his former best friend. It’s  _ his _ fault Jake got hurt….

 

“Mr. Goranski! Why don’t you go with Mr. Dillinger? You can help him carry supplies! Let me write you two a hall pass.”

 

Rich swallowed thickly. 

 

“Are you coming or what?” Jake demanded coldly. 

 

Rich quickly stood, taking the hall pass and list of what they need to get. He followed Jake into the hall. 

 

Rich opened and closed his mouth several times before managing to get anything out. “Jake, I—“

 

“I don’t care. Don’t waste your breath, Rich.”

 

Rich couldn’t help pouting at that. Even Jeremy had let him speak, even if he still hadn’t spoken to him since the hospital.

 

Rich was too busy being upset about Jake not letting him get more than two words out that he didn’t realize the pencil on the floor under his foot, causing him to wipeout. 

 

Jake paused when he heard the loud thud and turned to his lab partner. Jake’s whole demeanor changed when he saw the red cuts on Rich’s stomach and wrists. 

 

“Rich…. What-why would you-why did you do this to yourself, man?”

 

Rich bit his lip as he felt himself tearing up. He stood and fixed his shirt. “Oh, I don’t know, Jake! Maybe ‘cuz I feel worthless and feel like I deserve this? Ya know, my best friend for years hates me now; I can’t even live at home anymore; the people I do live with hate me; everyone hates me, really! Did you know I tried to kill myself? Yeah; I’m still in constant mental and emotional pain from the squip and losing the only person I trusted in my life, so I got sick of the pain. But I couldn’t even do that. Not that you care. About any of it. I don’t know why you care about  _ this _ .”

 

Rich ran down the hall. 

 

“Rich, wait!” Jake cursed at the crutches under his arms. He knew he couldn’t catch up with the smaller boy.

 

Rich made his way into a closet and crawled into the vent—his hiding place back in 9th grade when he was being stalked by bullies or having a panic attack…or both.

 

Rich cried into his knees. He can’t believe he said all that to Jake. This was his chance to apologize, to make things right! He blew it.

  
  


—————

  
  


Rich waited for chemistry to be over before exiting the vents and closet and joining the crowd to make his way to lunch. Tomorrow he’ll be sure to talk to the teacher about not pairing him up with Jake anymore. He doesn’t care how far behind he is, he’ll stay up all night for a month to catch up if it means not having to go through the pain of dealing with Jake again. 

 

“Rich!” Chloe ran to her friend in the cafeteria. “How’s your first day back going so far?”

 

Rich shrugged. “Not great….I got paired up with Jake in chem and well, I ended up hiding in a vent for almost the entire class.”

 

Chloe squeezed his shoulder, sympathetically. “Things will get better. Eventually.”

 

Rich and Chloe sat alone at a table together. 

 

“Remember when you, me, Brooke, Jake, and Jenna used to sit together?” Rich asked, smiling weakly.

 

“Only on Tuesdays,” they said simultaneously. 

 

“Every other day was jock table day for you and Jake, and popular table day for me and the girls,” Chloe mused.

 

“And we never even talked on those days!”

 

Chloe hugged Rich tight. “Look at us now!”

 

“Can I sit with you two?”

 

Christine Canigula suddenly appeared at their table. 

 

Rich shrugged. He’s never had a problem with Christine. “I don’t mind.”

 

“You know you’re always welcome,” Chloe replied. 

 

“You two been sitting together at lunch?” Rich asked, wringing his hands together nervously. 

 

“Sometimes. I usually sit with just Jenna. Sometimes with Jeremy and Michael or with Jake, Jenna, and Brooke. How’s it going, Rich? I wanted to visit you in the hospital, but I didn’t know if you’d want me to….”

 

Christine wanted to visit him? Why? 

 

“I’m...okay. Uh, I...you know I’m the one who told Jeremy about the squips. I just want to say, I’m sorry. A lot of shit happened and, uh—“

 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. ...Do you like musicals?”

 

“Uh. Yeah?”

 

“Awesome! What’s your favorite?”

 

Rich shrugged. “I dunno. I really like Hamilton and Wicked. Chloe’s been trying to get me into Heathers. It’s her favorite, but—“

 

Christine gasped and turned to Chloe. “You didn’t tell me you like Heathers! Oh my god, what do you think of Veronica?”

 

Rich smiled, content to listen to the two girls talk about how much they love a musical he’d never seen before. 


	9. Chapter 9

Jeremy tapped his foot as he played video games alone. He’d been thinking about Rich for ages. He felt bad. Rich has been living with him for over 2 weeks and he hasn’t even talked to him other than a few times to tell him dinner was ready or tell him Chloe was there. The last time he really spoke to Rich was in the hospital and he was yelling at him and made him run away and hide. 

 

It wasn’t really Rich’s fault his life got screwed. Rich told him about squips, but it was Jeremy’s decision to go to the mall, buy one, and take it. Rich tormented him for a long time before Jeremy got a squip, but if Rich’s time with the squip was anything like Jeremy’s...it wasn’t really Rich. Jeremy was never really himself with his squip. He did things he never really would have if he was himself. 

 

Jeremy sighed, throwing down his controller, he made his way into Rich’s room where the boy was doing make up work for English. 

 

Rich looked up at the older boy, surprised to see him in his room. 

 

“Hey, Rich,” Jeremy said, awkwardly. 

 

“Uh, hi. Did you...need something?”

 

“No. I just want to apologize….”

 

Rich’s brow furrowed. What does Jeremy have to apologize for? He didn’t ruin Rich’s life. He told his dad he was okay with Rich staying with them, so at least he has a home until he turns 18!

 

“I realize I, uh, ‘ve been kinda shitty to you….”

 

Jeremy? Shitty towards Rich? Isn’t it the other way around? Or did Rich enter an alternate universe where Jeremy was the tormentor for a year and a half?

 

“Yeah, uh. I know you apologized to me in the hospital, but I didn’t react well. What I said hurt you didn’t it? Yeah…. So I’m sorry about that. It—Well, if your squip was like mine, it wasn’t your fault. That thing made it hard to disobey. It could even control my body at times…. So, I accept your apology? Will you accept mine?”

 

Rich nodded slowly. “Yeah. I accept your apology.”

 

Jeremy let out a breath. “That’s a relief! So we can both move on from this now, right?”

 

“Yeah. That sounds great.”

 

Jeremy smiled and Rich returned the smile. “Awesome! I guess we probably should move on from this anyway, since you’re living here now, right?”

 

Rich’s heart shattered. That’s the only reason Jeremy apologized. If Rich wasn’t living here Jeremy wouldn’t have apologized. Why bother letting him live here then? Why bother apologizing?

 

“Hey, I’m gonna go with Michael and get stuff to make brownies. Do you wanna come?”

 

Jeremy still hates him, even if they’re apparently “moving past this.” Michael hates him too. There’s no doubt about that. 

 

“No thanks. I have a lot of work to do to catch up.”

 

“Okay. Another time, then.”

 

“Sure.”

 

Rich waited for Jeremy to leave before making his way to the bathroom and breaking into sobs. Why would Jeremy apologize if he didn’t mean it? If he’s just doing it because Rich is staying there. They’ve managed so far without talking to each other and being “friends!” They could have easily gone on this way until Rich turned 18. He’d move out the second the clock ticked over. Nobody wants him there. Maybe he could move in with Chloe when he’s 18….

  
  


————

  
  


Rich walked into the cafeteria the next day, looking like he’d been hit by a bus. He sunk into his seat next to Chloe and stared at the table. 

 

“Are you okay, Rich?” Chloe wrapped her arms around Rich’s shoulders. 

 

Rich nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

 

“No you’re not. What happened?”

 

Rich sighed. “Jeremy apologized yesterday for blaming and ignoring me. But after he said…since I’m living with him we should try to move on from it. I...don’t think he really felt bad. He was only apologizing because we live together. I’d rather him not have apologized than make an apology he didn’t mean. Like Michael! Or-or Jake.” Rich glanced over at his former best friend and saw him laughing at something Brooke said. 

 

Chloe frowned. She and Jeremy had started talking again after she’d gone to his house to talk to Rich. Jeremy texted her after apologizing to Rich and said he felt great now that he apologized, and he was happy to finally move on and help Rich and maybe even become friends with him.

 

Chloe’s sure Jeremy meant the apology, but she has to admit, he’s a bit of a dumbass, and doesn’t quite know how to socialize. He probably didn’t intend to make Rich feel this way…. At least, he better not have intended to make him feel this way.

 

Rich lay his head against the table, claiming that he wasn’t hungry. 

 

**Chloe: you’re an idiot**

**Jeremy: ??? what did i do now?**

**Chloe: rich thinks u only apologized bc he lives with u now n u didn’t mean it. said he’d rather u not have apologized if u didn’t mean it like michael and jake**

**Jeremy: :( i meant it. i’ll talk to rich at home. i’ll talk to michael too cuz he doesn’t hate rich but he’s more awkward than i am with this stuff**

**Chloe: is that even possible?**

**Jeremy: rude**

  
  


————

  
  


Jeremy practically had to drag Michael into his house that day. 

 

“I’m gonna talk to Rich first,” Jeremy said, “then you can talk to him.”

 

Michael huffed and flopped down on Jeremy’s bed. 

 

“Just tell him you’re sorry, man. You are, right?”

 

“Yeah. I don’t like make people feeling bad; it’s just...I don’t really know him. Not the un-squipped version.”

 

“Neither do I. And he doesn’t know us other than that we’re just geeks.”

 

“We are geeks.”

 

“That’s not all, though. You’re great at science and I...well, we’ll find something to bond over.”

 

Michael sighed. “Fine. You’re up, Jer.”

 

Rich lay curled on his side, staring at the wall. 

 

“Hey, Rich? I’m sorry about yesterday. Chloe said you didn’t really believe my apology was genuine. I’m not great with apologies or...people...but I feel bad. If I didn’t really feel bad, I  _ wouldn’t _ apologize. I didn’t apologize to you until I really started to feel bad and it was eating at me. I didn’t mean to sound like a dick yesterday. Sometimes I just say things without really thinking. I didn’t think what I said would hurt your feeling.”

 

Rich had turned toward Jeremy when he entered his room. “You ramble a lot,” he muttered, smiling weakly. 

 

Jeremy chuckled nervously. “Yeah. I really am sorry, though. About everything.”

 

Rich nodded and sat up. Jeremy wouldn’t bother being here talking to him if he wasn’t serious. “It’s okay.”

 

“We cool?” Jeremy asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Rich affirmed. He thinks they really are now.

 

“Michael’s here too. He wants to apologize too.”

 

Michael walked into Rich’s room, staring down at the floor. “I’m sorry,” Michael mumbled. 

 

Rich frowned. “I can’t really hear you.”

 

Michael sighed and looked up, though he didn’t look at Rich, but rather at the wall next to him. “I’m sorry. I know you think I hate you, but I don’t. I...listen, I suck at apologies, so can we just…” Jeremy jabbed his friend in the side with a pointy elbow. “I’m sorry. I don’t like making people feel bad, but people are hard to talk to.  _ This  _ right now is hard, but I don’t want you to feel bad anymore. You know, Christine and Chloe talk about you a lot. You seem alright, so, can we….”

 

Rich smiled. “Yeah. It’s okay, Michael. Thanks for apologizing even though it was hard. I appreciate both of you apologizing. I actually feel a lot better.” Surprisingly, Rich really did. Maybe he  _ won’t _ be alone forever. Maybe he will have friends other than Chloe.

 

“Rich, do you wanna play video games with us? We can play Overwatch or just take turns in something else. Michael and I have been playing Outlast.”

 

“Sure. That sounds fun.” Rich smiled and followed the taller boys to Jeremy’s room where his playstation was. 

  
  


————

  
  


Rich had started spending time with Jeremy and Michael, but still sat with Chloe at lunch everyday. The boys had said Chloe and Rich could sit with them, but Chloe still felt awkward around Jeremy. And god forbid Brooke see her with him! Things would be even worse than they already are between them!

 

The day that Chloe’s cold finally caught up with her, forcing her to stay home from school, Rich was pretty sure he looked like a lost puppy walking around school.

 

He pretended not to hear the whispers as he sat alone at his and Chloe’s table. 

 

_ “What happened to her?” _

_ “Do you think they broke up?” _

_ “Wait, they were dating?” _

_ “Poor kid.” _

 

Rich nearly scoffed at the whispers about them dating. He’s bisexual, but Chloe’s a lesbian. That was one of the first things she told him when they became friends.

 

“Hey, Rich!”

 

Rich looked up from his textbook to see Christine and...Brooke.

 

“Hey, Chris. Hey, Brooke….”

 

“You mind if we sit here?” Christine asked. 

 

Rich shrugged. He felt like he was drowning in tension with Brooke there. Christine was the only thing keeping him afloat. And then….

 

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab something from my locker. I’ll be back!”

 

And Rich was alone with Brooke. 

 

“This is…” Rich started. 

 

“Awkward,” Brooke finished.

 

“Yeah…. I’m sorry about everything with the squips and that shit. I know I didn’t really do anything to you directly, but it’s my fault Jeremy took one and everything happened at Halloween and ruined your friendship with Chloe.”

 

Brooke shrugged. “I don’t really care. You’ve always been nice to me, it’s just. You’re best friends with Chloe now. Halloween isn’t the  _ only  _ reason I’m not friends with her anymore. She’s been treating me bad for years! She always has to be the center of attention and if I tried to butt in with anything she’d yell at me. She wanted me to think and be exactly like her, but I’m not; I’m me.”

 

Rich placed a gentle hand on Brooke’s shoulder. “She’s changed. A lot. And I’m sure she’d understand if you talked to her about all this…. She really misses you.”

 

“I miss Sherlock. Benedict Cumberbatch and—“

 

“Brooke….”

 

Brooke shrugged. “I don’t know. Everything is going good for me now. I don’t—“ Brooke sighed. “It pains me to say this, but my friendship with her was pretty toxic. I don’t want that anymore.”

 

“I won’t force you to or try to pressure you, but I’ve been given second chances by people I screwed over and I think it’s making me better, just...in general.”

 

“You  _ do  _ seem happier,” Brooke commented. “Maybe I’ll—“

 

“I’m back!” Christine sat back down at the table with a journal. “Are you two buds yet?”

 

Rich shrugged with one shoulder. They barely talked, but at least they talked. It’s a start...maybe.

 

“You two should come over one day!” Brooke said. “We can have a movie marathon!”

 

Rich isn’t sure about that. Hanging out with his best friend’s ex best friend? Christine would be there, but still….

 

“Maybe,” Rich smiled to be polite.

  
  


————

  
  


**Chloe <3: wtf**

**Chloe <3: am i dead or something?**

**Chloe <3: brooke just texted me**

**Rich: :)**

**Chloe <3: am i having a fever dream?**

**Rich: go back to sleep chlo. we can talk about it when ur lucid**

  
  


—————

  
  


“Do you wanna come over my place today?” Michael asked. “Jeremy and I are gonna play  _ The Last of Us _ .”

 

Rich hummed. It’s one thing to hang out with Jeremy and Michael at Jeremy’s house or even school, but to go to Michael’s house? 

 

“Not today. I’m still pretty far behind in math; I’m gonna see my teacher after school for help.”

 

Solid lie, and actually a good idea considering how shit he is at math.

 

“Oh, alright. Let me know if you need anything later. A ride home or whatever.”

 

“Okay.” Rich decided then he would just walk. It’s not that far—only a mile and a half. Rich doesn’t want to bother Jeremy and Michael. There’s still tension between them and he doesn’t want to get in the way of anything.

 

“See you, Rich.”

 

“Bye, Michael.”

  
  


————

  
  


Rich sat on the front step of the school building at 4:15. He had met with his teacher and now he just wanted to lay down and never have to think about algebra again. Algebra made Rich emotionally exhausted. He would walk home soon, but he wasn’t ready yet. 

 

“Rich?”

 

“Jenna? Hey.”

 

“Why are you sitting on the ground?”

 

“Algebra.”

 

“Ah, I understand. I was the same way with geometry. So...are you just gonna sit there or do you have somewhere to go? Want me to drive you home?”

 

Rich’s brow furrowed. “You’re only 16; you can’t have your license yet.”

 

“I didn’t say I had a license. I know how to drive; don’t worry. My birthday’s next month anyway. Do you really wanna sit outside in the cold?”

 

Rich sighed and stood up. May as well accept the offer.

 

Once the two were in the car, Rich was filled with anxiety again. Jenna had gotten a squip too, hadn’t she?

 

“Jenna, about the squips. I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t brought them into this school. It ruined shit for so many people….”

 

Jenna shrugged. “It was weird having that thing, but...I don’t know if it was really bad or good. I mean, I have actual friends now afterwards, so it didn’t really ruin anything for me. It actually made life a bit better for me, so...thanks.”

 

Huh. Rich actually did something good? Something he did made a difference in somebody’s life? A good difference. Wow. He never would have thought he could do that.

 

“I’m glad things are better for you, Jenna.”

 

Jenna smiled at Rich once she had parked the car in the Heere’s driveway. “Didn’t even kill you.”


	10. Chapter 10

After a few times seeing his psychiatrist Rich was finally prescribed medication for depression and anxiety. Along with twice weekly meetings with a therapist close by and support from his new friends, Rich was starting to not feel like shit 24/7. 

 

Mr. Heere supervised Rich taking his medication every morning; he didn’t want to risk anything.

 

Rich almost always had people to hang out with now. It used to be just Jake whenever he felt like it; now he has Chloe, Jeremy, Michael, Christine, Brooke, and Jenna. Rich and Chloe still talked everyday and sat together at lunch. Rich even got Chloe and Brooke back on speaking terms. That had been a fun task…

 

**Chloe <3: Richard i am high on cold medicine. how do u expect me to TALK TO BROOKE?**

**Rich: “hi Brooke i’m really sorry i’ve done some shitty things in the past. i feel horrible about it, but i hope u can give me another chance to prove that i’ve changed. i miss u and i think about u every day”**

**Chloe <3: that makes me sound gay**

**Rich: u r gay**

**Chloe <3: brooke wants to have coffee when i’m feeling better ;—;**

**Rich: did u copy paste that message?**

**Chloe <3: no, that wouldn’t be a genuine apology if i just stole what u wrote**

**Chloe <3: i may have incorporated parts of ur message in what i said just because i’m tired and high and DYING OF THIS DISEASE**

**Rich: want me to come over after school?**

**Rich: i’ll make u chicken noodle soup**

**Chloe <3: YES :’) i love u**

**Rich: sleep. get better so u can go talk to brooke**

**Chloe <3: ;-;**

  
  


———

  
  
  


Rich was on his bedroom floor reading a book Jenna had lent him. Chloe and Brooke were at a movie. Christine had play rehearsal. Jenna was busy babysitting. Jeremy and Michael were in the living room watching TV.

 

Rich was so caught up in his book he didn’t hear the doorbell ring. It took Jeremy three tries to get his attention. 

 

“Rich! Uh, Jake is here. He wants to talk to you.”

 

Rich pursed his lips. Why? Why would he want to talk to him? After he ruined his life.

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

Rich wiped tears out of his eyes when they began to fall. “I don’t want to talk to him. Please tell him to go away, Jeremy.”

 

“Uh, are you sure? He—“

 

“Please.”

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

“Okay, Rich. I’ll be back in a min—“

 

“No. Just...I want to be alone. Please.”

 

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, though….”

 

“K.”

  
  


————

  
  


Jeremy walked into Rich’s bedroom, confused as to why the lights were off. He didn’t expect to see Chloe and him bawling over Chloe’s laptop that had some cartoon on it. 

 

“You two okay?” Jeremy asked awkwardly. 

 

“Th-this show is so emotional!” Rich choked. 

 

“They’re in love; just let them be together!” Chloe cried. 

 

“What are you watching?”

 

“Steven Universe! It-it’s so good! Jeremy, come watch with us!”

 

“I don’t really feel like crying right now, but uh—“

 

“Come watch it! They’re not all sad episodes. Please?” Rich begged. He’d love for the three of them to have a show to watch together! Chloe and Jeremy wanted to spend more time together anyway. Rich can make himself small enough to be invisible to them.

 

“Okay, I guess….”

 

Within a few episodes all three of them were sobbing in Rich’s darkened bedroom. 

  
  


————

  
  


“DUH DUHDUHDUHDUH DUH DUH DUH!”

 

“How does a ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower somehow defeat a—“

 

Rich crouched behind Christine’s couch, smiling. This is the first time he’s gone to her house and they’re performing  _ Hamilton  _ for her pet lizard, Stella. Stella couldn’t care less, but the two of them were having fun. At the second  _ Lafayette,  _ Rich’s phone rang. 

 

“Dammit, Jeremy!” Christine yelled at the phone. 

 

Rich rolled his eyes. “Hey.”

 

“Um. Jake is here again.”

 

Rich sighed. Jake had been to see Rich three times now, but Rich always turned him away. Rich still misses Jake like hell, but, like Brooke and Chloe’s old relationship, his with Jake was kind of toxic. Jake was Rich’s only friend back then and more times than not, Rich felt like garbage after hanging out with him. Jake teased him, but would take it too far. But still...Jake was there for him when his father wasn’t.They only knew each other because of the squip. If Rich had never gotten a squip he never would have been friends with Jake. If he had never gotten a squip he wouldn’t have all the amazing friends he has now!

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

“Tell him to leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to him.”

 

“Rich, you can’t avoid talking to him forever.”

 

“Watch me. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to get back to entertaining Stella.”

 

“See you at home, Rich.”

 

“Bye, Jeremy.”

  
  


————

  
  


Brooke lay against Rich’s side, watching YouTube on her phone while Rich played candy crush. 

 

“I want to make a cake,” Brooke announced.

 

Rich shrugged. “Let’s make a cake. Do you have the ingredients? Michael could probably pick things up for us if you don’t have anything.”

 

Brooke clambered off the couch and into the kitchen. Rich followed, trying not to laugh when Brooke almost ran face first into the fridge. 

 

“We have cake ingredients!” Brooke shouted, looking around the kitchen. “Do you like chocolate cake or—ooh, we can make a strawberry cake! Do you like strawberries?”

 

“Hear me out a second. Strawberry cake...with chocolate frosting.”

 

Brooke gasped. “Yes, Richard! Wait, let me go see if I have aprons anywhere….”

 

Brooke ran off, leaving Rich alone in the kitchen. This is fun! He’s never baked anything before. He tried to help Jenna make cookies once, but he spilled milk all over the floor and was immediately banned from the kitchen forever. 

 

Brooke returned and tossed an apron at Rich. Brooke’s apron was a simple pink one, whereas Rich’s had “Mr. Good Looking Is Cooking” written on it.

 

“My dad thinks he’s funny,” Brooke rolled her eyes. 

 

“You think I’m good looking?” Rich teased, standing on his tiptoes to get closer to Brooke. Damn her wanting to wear heels—who wears heels in her own house?! Rich had heard a lot of complaints from Chloe about how much she hates heels.

 

“You know you are. Shut up and get the eggs.”

 

Rich laughed as Brooke pushed him away from her. 

 

By the time the cake was in the oven both teenagers were covered in cake ingredients. Rich was a mess and kept dropping things, and Brooke kept teasing Rich until he threw a cup of flour at her. Thus began their mini food fight, leaving both of them laughing on the floor. 

 

“Let’s get the cake in the oven and go shower and clean up before my parents murder us,” Brooke suggested.

 

“Good idea.”

 

“I have something you can wear. One of my cousins left some clothes here; he’s probably about your size.”

 

“Thanks, Brooke. This has been a really great day.”

 

Brooke smiled and hugged Rich.

  
  


Rich sat on the floor to avoid Brooke trying to make him crash in Mario Kart.

 

“I swear if I get less than 2nd place I’m gonna throw the entire cake out the window!” Brooke exclaimed. 

 

Rich scoffed as his character threw a shell at Brooke. “You think that would stop me from eating cake?” 

 

“You’re gonna get a cake in the face if you blue shell me again, Richard!”

 

Rich was about to win when his phone vibrated and startled him. 

 

“Dammit! That’s not fair!”

 

Brooke slipped into the kitchen, laughing maniacally. 

 

Rich sighed and looked at his phone. 

 

**Jeremy: Jake is here again…**

 

Rich bit his lip. He considered for a moment going home to talk to Jake, but decided against it. A month ago, he would have done anything to talk to Jake and now he’s ignoring him. 

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

**Rich: and? i’m at Brooke’s i’m not gonna just leave her in the middle of us hanging out**

**Jeremy: you’re really not gonna give him another chance? i gave you a chance and you bullied me for a year and a half**

**Rich: we weren’t best friends before i burned ur house down and broke ur legs. he dossnt really wanna talk to me anyway. i don’t know why he’s been trying but i won’t talk to him**

 

So much for a great day…. 

  
  


—————

  
  


“I want a cookie.”

 

“Shh. Later. Pucker your lips.”

 

Rich did as he was told. He could only imagine what Jake would say if he saw him on Jenna Rolan’s bed, getting his makeup done. He’d probably just call him gay or something. 

 

Rich used to about Jake every day. When they were friends he worried about when Jake would inevitably abandon him. In the hospital he cried about Jake hating him and knowing he’d lost his best friend. When he left the hospital he started to doubt whether or not they were really friends.

 

Now he has new best friends. He knows how friends are supposed to treat each other, and it’s not how Jake treated him. Rich’s new friends tease him all the time, but what Jake said was never teasing; it was just being mean. Jake never even said anything when he saw what he’d said made Rich upset!

 

Rich knows he doesn’t need Jake.

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

_ I regret everything that happened, but I’m glad that it did, because I have all these great friends now and I’m not caught up with you anymore. I don’t think about you everyday now. I don’t need to. _

 

“Here; eat your damn cookie and stop whining so I can do your mascara!”

 

Rich beamed, taking a cookie from the plate. He struggled to hold it with his long fake nails, but he managed without making too many crumbs or breaking a nail or ruining his nail polish.

 

“Are you happy now?”

 

“Very,” Rich nodded.

 

Jenna continued working on Rich’s makeup while his thoughts drifted.

 

...Should he talk to Jake? Jeremy said he should give Jake a second chance…. Maybe he should. Maybe…. No. Jake didn’t want anything to do with him until a week ago. Why? If Rich were to talk to Jake it would just be to find out  _ why  _ Jake wants to talk to him so bad now and then to tell him to leave him alone. 

 

“Rich!” Jenna hugged the boy tight when she saw tear streaks down his face. “What’s wrong?”

 

Rich sniffled and wiped his eyes, smearing the mascara. Jenna’s heart hurt, but she’s more worried about Rich than the makeup. 

 

“Thinking about Jake…. I know he doesn’t deserve my tears, and he wasn’t a good friend, but he’s been trying to talk to me for  _ days  _ and I keep ignoring him. I don’t want to talk to him and have him tell me...I don’t know, just anything hurtful. I don’t want to have to tell him to leave me alone. I don’t want to officially lose him as a friend.”

 

“You don’t have to lose him. He misses you…. He just wants a chance to explain, but I know it’s hard to talk to him.”

 

Rich doesn’t need Jake, but he wants him.

 

**Rich: is jake there?**

**Jeremy: yeah how did you know?? i was just about to text you**

**Rich: he comes over at the same time every day**

**Rich: tomorrow. i’ll talk to him tomorrow if he really wants to talk…**

**Jeremy: he said he’ll be here tomorrow after PT**

  
  


—————

  
  


Rich lay anxiously waiting on the couch. Jeremy and Michael were in Jeremy’s room. Chloe was hiding in a tree outside Rich’s room. As if Rich really didn’t think Chloe would be hiding somewhere when he’s about to talk to Jake for the first time in months.

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

What does Jake have to explain? Why bother? Rich already knows Jake hates him and he doesn’t care. He doesn’t. He doesn’t care that Jake hates him.

 

Jake misses him? Why?

 

The doorbell rang and Rich shot up and ran to answer it, mentally cursing himself even as he continued to run to the door. 

 

Jake was stood outside the door with his crutches. He had a box of junior mints in his hand.

 

Rich blinked at the box. He was overwhelmed with emotions. Excitement at seeing Jake again, sadness because it’s probably the last time he’ll ever see him, fear because he doesn’t know what Jake will say or do, anger.

 

“You...think everything’s gonna be okay because you brought me junior mints?” Rich demanded. He doesn’t want to yell. Michael hates when people yell.

 

“No. I know a box of candy can’t fix everything, but...can I just come in and explain?”

 

Rich opened the door wider, biting down on his lip to keep himself from crying. 

 

Jake made his way to the couch and sat. He leaned his crutches against the side of the couch and Rich’s heart hurt. It’s his fault Jake needs those crutches.

 

Jake sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I know I suck. I was shitty to you...since we met. And in the hospital...I’m sorry, Rich.”

 

“Honestly, I’m sick of apologies,” Rich admitted. “I’ve heard and given so many lately.”

 

“Well, then I’ll just explain. Before the fire, I was in a bad place. You know my parents weren’t around much, so I was miserable. I threw myself into every sport possible and I took out my misery on you. I know I shouldn’t have because it was shitty.

In the hospital I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had started taking medication a few days before you came in that day and I was all over the place. I was angry that I might never walk again and I took that anger out on you. It was wrong. I know that’s not an excuse, but it’s my reasoning for my behavior. I regret it, but I can’t change it.”

 

Rich winced at that last sentence. One six-letter word.  _ Regret. _

 

_ I regret saving you. _

 

Rich found it hard to be mad at Jake. He’s mentally ill. Chloe, Jeremy, and Mr. Heere were never mad at Rich when his anxiety or depression made it hard for him to get out of bed, socialize, eat…. They understood. They supported him and helped him.

 

Rich swallowed thickly. “Do you really regret saving me?” He muttered.

 

“No. Absolutely not! Rich, you’re—I can’t believe I said that. I’m glad I saved you. You’re a good person and you’ve made your friends happy. Jenna and Brooke talk about you a lot. Christine too.”

 

Rich moved away from the hand Jake tried to put on his shoulder to curl up in the corner of the couch. “Did you only decide you miss me because of them? Or because of...what you saw in chemistry that day? I tried talking to you and you told me not to waste my breath.”

 

“No. Rich, I missed you from the moment you ran out of that hospital room. I don’t have a reason for my behavior that day. I know, I suck. I feel awful for how I’ve treated you the past few years.”

 

Rich didn’t know if Jake was being genuine. Had Jake ever been genuine with him before?

 

“So why did you decide you wanted to talk to me? After what you said, I eventually gave up and moved on. You haven’t, even though I’ve been ignoring you for over a week.” 

 

“I’ve been thinking about how shitty I treated you and how much I regret it. I see and hear about how happy you are every day in school. I remember when you got excited to hang out with me after school. I know that everything back then was bad between us, but I miss seeing you smile and hearing you laugh and I want to try to make things better.”

 

Rich bit his lip. He doesn’t want to be hurt again. Jake breaks hearts. Jenna told Rich that he’s changed, but how much can a person really change? Rich changed, but he got rid of something physically inside his brain that allowed him to change. Maybe they could work to make things better…. It would take time, but...does Jake really deserve it? After making Rich feel so shitty all the time and feel like he wasn’t worth anything? 

 

Rich got a second chance. He made Jeremy feel the same way. Rich got rid of his squip and Jeremy gave him a second chance. Jake is taking medication and seeing a therapist, so Rich guesses it’s only fair that he get a second chance too….

 

“Fine. It’ll take time, but—“

 

Jake hugged Rich as tight as he could, startling the smaller boy. Eventually, he hugged back.

 

“I missed you too, Jake….”


	11. Chapter 11

“So he said—“ Chloe was interrupted from the story she was telling Rich by two shadows looming over them.

 

“Can we sit here?” Jake and Jenna.

 

Chloe looked towards Rich and shrugged to say it was up to him.

 

“Okay,” Rich agreed.

 

Jake sat across from Rich and smiled at him.

 

Over the rest of their lunch period the rest of Rich’s friends made their way over to their table. They were all a bit shy at first (well, mostly Jeremy and Michael were shy), but they all grew out of it by the end of lunch and were all laughing and joking with one another. 

 

“We should all sit together again tomorrow!” Jeremy suggested. 

 

Everyone agreed. Rich wasn’t sure about seeing Jake everyday, but he wanted his other friends to be happy and have fun, so he agreed too.

  
  


————

  
  


Rich lay upside down on Jeremy’s bed watching him play  _ Beyond Two Souls. _

 

“So are you and Jake okay now?” Jeremy asked out of nowhere. 

 

“I dunno. I’m still hurt, but I understand now why he was that way…. I want us to be okay, and he does too, but I don’t know what to say to him anymore. How did  _ we _ get to being friends like this when you wouldn’t even talk to me when I first moved in?”

 

“I realized it wasn’t your fault, so I forgave you. Then we just started spending time together. Sitting together to watch TV, then we eventually just started talking and got comfortable.” Jeremy shrugged. “I know it’s probably harder to just do that with Jake. You two were friends before; we weren’t.”

 

Were he and Jake friends? They talked and hung out sometimes, but does that make two people friends? “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

 

“Okay, Rich.”

  
  


————

  
  


Rich sat tense in Jake’s apartment. Jake had moved in with his aunt Ellen. She was pretty cool. She had two different sweaters in every color of the rainbow. She had plenty of other clothes, but only wore the sweaters because it annoyed people at her office job. Each color coordinated with a day. Tuesday was green (Patrick hates green, she had explained) so she wore a green sweater with Freddy Krueger on it. 

 

Ellen took care of Jake and she clearly cared about him. 

 

“I have to go to work. There’s money for pizza on the table. Behave.” Ellen hugged her nephew and even hugged Rich, surprising him. 

 

The two teenagers sat in silence for a while after Ellen had left.

 

“So….” Rich said awkwardly. 

 

Jake rolled his eyes. “Let’s not make things awkward.”

 

“Kinda hard to not do that. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jeremy.”

 

“And you made things awkward....”

 

Rich curled in on himself. This is how hanging out with Jake used to be….

 

“Hey, I’m sorry. I meant to sound teasing, but it didn’t come out that way.”

 

That’s new. Jake never apologized for the shit he said.

 

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Rich asked out of nowhere.

 

“Sure. Do you wanna pick?”

 

“Um.” Rich thought for a moment. There weren’t many movies he and Jake both liked. Obviously, his squip would make him watch whatever Jake wanted, but he rarely liked the shit he put on. 

 

Jake likes horror and action movies. Rich hates horror movies. Rich likes comedy and superhero movies. Jake doesn’t understand the comedy jokes.  _ We really don’t have much in common,  _ Rich realized. But...

 

Everyone likes Disney! “Moana?” he suggested.

 

Jake nodded approvingly and put the movie on. They sat quietly watching the movie for a while, but dammit, neither of them could help singing along to the songs.

 

“What can I say except you’re welcome—“ the boys sang. Rich didn’t realize he moved his arms while singing and his shirt sleeve fell. 

 

“What can I say except—what the fuck, Rich?!” Jake carefully grabbed the smaller boy’s wrist. “You’re still doing this?”

 

Rich gulped. He didn’t reply. What could he say?

 

“Why?”

 

“What, I’m gonna tell you so you can tell Mr. Heere and I can get sent to a mental hospital?”

 

“I wouldn’t tell Mr. Heere,” Jake insisted. 

 

“Well, whoever you tell, it’ll get back to him!”

 

“Dude! I’m not gonna tell anyone! Just talk to me. Let me help you.”

 

Rich blinked. Why does Jake want to help him?

 

“Please? I can help. I never did anything before when I should have, but I want to help now….”

 

“Fine, but it sounds stupid: I’m…scared. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to get close to you again because I don’t want you to hurt me. With having lunch together everyday, chemistry, hanging out after school...it’s a lot. So if I hurt myself you can’t hurt me….”

 

“Rich…. I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you; I’m human and I’ll make mistakes. But I’m here. I’m not going anywhere; you can talk to me about anything! If you want me to back off a bit, that’s fine.”

 

Rich shook his head, taking a shuddery breath. “I don’t want you to back off. Just...you’re not going to leave?”

 

“That much I can promise.”

 

Rich hugged Jake.

  
  


————

  
  


_ 4/18/16 _

_ So. Things have actually gotten better. Jake and I are friends again. I have loads of friends now! And I don’t live with my dad. Mr. Heere is pretty great, though he tends not to wear pants around the house. It’s his house, though, so I can’t really say anything. _

_ The squip is still gone. Chloe and Brooke are friends again. Jeremy and Michael are friends again. We’re all friends along with Christine and Jenna, who are dating and both really great!  _

_ School is going okay. I’m not super behind anymore from all that time in the hospital. Classes are going good (except French. I still hate that class). _

_ I’m finally seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and taking medication that I’ve probably needed for  _ _ years _ _ before I even got the squip. I’m actually happy for the first time in a long time. It’s a weird feeling, but...good. _

  
  
  


The whole group was at Jeremy’s house after school. It was their first day of spring break, so they were having a sleepover that night. 

 

Michael, Jeremy, Brooke, and Jake were playing Mario Kart. Chloe sat near them, but still far enough to not get smacked when somebody inevitably throws a temper tantrum about losing. Chloe had Rich’s feet on her lap (the rest of him was practically laying on top of Jenna) and was talking to Christine about the fan fictions they wrote in middle school.

 

“God my Harry Potter one’s were all so bad!” Chloe cringed.

 

“I remember my Harry Potter fics,” Christine stared into the distance like a soldier thinking about her days in the army. “They were...something alright.”

 

“Rich, why do you have to squirm so much?” Jenna grumped after the fifth time messing up Rich’s nail polish.

 

“I’m bored and I have an itch!” Rich complained. 

 

“Well I have a  _ bitch _ laying on me. I’m almost done. Two more nails.”

 

Rich groaned. 

 

“I really don’t know why I insist on doing makeup for such a squirmy boy.”

 

“I don’t know either, Jen,” Rich said. 

 

A shrill screech from Jeremy caused Rich’s entire left hand to get blue nail polish on it.

 

“Why is she so good?” He demanded, sinking to his knees on the floor. “My pride...it’s hurt! I’ve never lost Moo Moo Meadows before!”

 

“That scream didn’t hurt your pride at all?” Jenna asked. “It hurt my artwork!” She indicated Rich’s blue hand.

 

“My pride died long ago when it comes to anything other than video games. They’re all I have.”

 

Michael rolled his eyes. “Get up, man.”

 

“No. Leave me alone to die.” Jeremy lay face down on the floor.

 

The doorbell rang, messing Jenna up again. 

 

Rich squirmed out of her grip. “Pizza!”

 

“You may as well just wash the nail polish off,” Jenna sighed. “I’ll try again later when you’re not hungry and annoying.”

 

“I’m always hungry and annoying, Jenna!” Rich called from the kitchen where he was washing his hands for pizza.

 

He returned to the living room to see his friends all staring, open mouthed at the front door. Rich turned, confused, and his face drained of all color.

 

His father stood in the doorway.

 

“I’m here to take Richard home,” he said.


End file.
